how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
