I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
