you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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