I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
