Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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