If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
