I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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