I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
