I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
