I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
