you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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