Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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