Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
