i can't believe i had my finger in that
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
