so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
