come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
