He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
