my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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