thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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