I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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