is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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