You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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