we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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