am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
