Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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