Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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