Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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