just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
my liver is dry heaving
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
