I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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