the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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