Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Randomize
