they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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