I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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