I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
