I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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