I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
