So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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