I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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