I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
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I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
