Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
