I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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