Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
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