Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
