i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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