Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
is that a dick in a sweater?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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