i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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