Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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