i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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