how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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