Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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