I wannas sexs uuuuu
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
