Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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