I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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