I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We have so much sex to catch up on
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
