can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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