textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
