its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
